A letter to a man I wish I’d never met

 

🖤🖤 ‘Secrets behind the collar’ is my story. It is the account of the traumatic events not only of 2020, but also of the abuse suffered during my childhood and teenage years.  If you are reading my ‘Secrets’ blog for the first time, you may wish to go back and begin reading from where my story begins. My first post was back in January of this year and can be easily accessed on this site 🖤🖤

July 2020

After careful discussion with my counsellor, we decide to bring the EMDR processing of my childhood trauma to a close. It is causing excessive present trauma. I am not sleeping, I am suffering too many night terrors and panic attacks. I have to move on.

The man who took me for that walk and did awful things to this little girl is probably long dead. I have to let him and that powerless child go. I am no longer her. I am a grown woman. I was a successful headteacher of a wonderful school for many years. I am a Parish Priest and most importantly, I am a wife and a mum. I am surrounded by a loving husband, family and friends who are watching over me and supporting me as I battle the demons that have been hiding and waiting to do their worst for so many years.

There was one more thing to do and I didn’t actually attempt this until several months after stopping the EMDR.  A letter to my attacker:

To a man I wish I never met,

I don’t know your name, I never did. I don’t know if you are still alive. I don’t know if I was the only child you molested and defiled, I hope so, but I suspect not.

What I do know is the life damage you have caused me. I’m 62 years old now and I’ve had a very successful life in so many ways. I have two beautiful grown up children and held very successful professional positions. But there has always been that wounded , mistreated child within. I’ve lived for years, under the shadow of what you did o me that day. The fact that some of it is blanked out in my memory is testimony to how awful it was for me. My brain cannot bear to let me remember.

You planted in me a fear of being alone with men, so much so that I still go into a state of panic when it happens. I also can’t bear the grunts and groans that men make, even when just working out in the gym.  The sound makes me want to cover my ears and run.

I have an illogical fear of heights; when you lifted my small body off the ground and placed my on your shoulder, I was so frightened. It felt so high and I didn’t feel safe. I wasn’t safe. You destroyed my innocence and led me to keep the darkest of secrets for too many years.

How many secrets have you kept? How many other innocent children have you left with the same legacy?

I have no idea at all who you are, or were, but I do hope that somewhere along the journey of your life, you have come to realise that what you did to me was wrong.

I hope that just once maybe, you have felt the need to say ‘sorry’ to the little girl your violated one day on Ashton Moss.

🖤🖤🖤

 

 

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