Pandora’s Chest

🖤🖤 ‘Secrets behind the collar’ is my story. It is the account of the traumatic events not only of 2020, but also of the abuse suffered during my childhood and teenage years.  If you are reading my ‘Secrets’ blog for the first time, you may wish to go back and begin reading from where my story begins. My first post was back in January of this year and can be easily accessed on this site 🖤🖤

1975

I can’t say exactly when things changed, when the charm turned to control. He was my first real boyfriend and I had absolutely no idea of what was ‘normal’ behaviour, and what was not. (The only experience I’d had was the horrible encounter when I was seven and I’d told nobody about that). It soon became apparent that I was ‘abnormal’; he told me so, time and again. I was abnormal. I had nothing at all to compare with, I had nobody to talk to. My home life was in total turmoil. I was desperately trying to focus upon the A Levels I was trying to attain, and now this man was convincing me that I wasn’t normal. Maybe he was right, maybe what happened to me at seven had made me abnormal, but looking back after all these years, I don’t truly believe that. The things he wanted me to do were bizarre and awful. If I didn’t comply, he would goad and menace until I was reduced to tears. One night he told me I was frigid. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. All I knew was that I didn’t want to do the things he was making me do. To me, they weren’t normal, it wasn’t at all what I imagined ‘love making’ to be. This was coerced. He kept on at me until I gave in, even if I was crying. He even threatened to leave me in the middle of nowhere. Each night we went out, I used to dread getting into the car at the end of the evening, my stomach immediately knotted with apprehension. I knew what was coming I knew what was expected of me. He told me it was ‘payment’ for taking me out. Payment, he told me, he had the right to expect.

Pandora’s Chest

He assaulted, you consistently abused,

He was a stranger,

But with you there should have been no danger

He stole innocence,

But you stole dignity

He violated once and then was gone

But you exerted power that went on and on

Over a vulnerable young girl

Causing a nightmare of body and soul

Yet again someone else had control

Of her life, of her being

And once again, no one was seeing

What was happening, day by day

As her self worth and respect we’re eroded away.

In the beginning you were just always so pleasant,

With your face set in a smile

Whilst underneath your intentions were vile

Intentions that unfurled towards the end of the night

When you’d drive to a place, tucked out of sight

And there you’d demand all manner of deed

And of her pleading

You’d take no heed

Always it ended with her in tears

As once again her very worst fears

were realised along with an accompanying threat

And again she wondered, how bad could it get?

 

It was simple:

You needed to dominate

Demanding your payment following each date

Have her carry out acts, perverted and wrong

But she was vulnerable and just went along

As her life took a new shape:

Once again in an unhappy home

And abused every time she was alone

With someone who’s need was to have control.

You took a life that had strived to be whole

And dashed it to pieces bit by bit

She knew she should escape from it,

But human need of another’s attention

Kept her trapped in this diabolical position

Until the day she was suddenly free

She’d brought it about, so unwittingly,

Because the day you knew you’d lost control

That you could no longer own her, body and soul

You dropped her, suddenly in a manner so cruel

And she gained her life back from under your rule

But now she was left damaged and broken

All dignity and self worth, you had taken

And so she did what she had learned to do best

Locked it away in Pandora’s chest.

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