🖤🖤 ‘Secrets behind the collar’ is my story. It is the account of the traumatic events not only of 2020, but also of the abuse suffered during my childhood and teenage years. If you are reading my ‘Secrets’ blog for the first time, you may wish to go back and begin reading from where my story begins. My first post was back in January of this year and can be easily accessed on this site 🖤🖤
1975
I can’t say exactly when things changed, when the charm turned to control. He was my first real boyfriend and I had absolutely no idea of what was ‘normal’ behaviour, and what was not. (The only experience I’d had was the horrible encounter when I was seven and I’d told nobody about that). It soon became apparent that I was ‘abnormal’; he told me so, time and again. I was abnormal. I had nothing at all to compare with, I had nobody to talk to. My home life was in total turmoil. I was desperately trying to focus upon the A Levels I was trying to attain, and now this man was convincing me that I wasn’t normal. Maybe he was right, maybe what happened to me at seven had made me abnormal, but looking back after all these years, I don’t truly believe that. The things he wanted me to do were bizarre and awful. If I didn’t comply, he would goad and menace until I was reduced to tears. One night he told me I was frigid. I had absolutely no idea what that meant. All I knew was that I didn’t want to do the things he was making me do. To me, they weren’t normal, it wasn’t at all what I imagined ‘love making’ to be. This was coerced. He kept on at me until I gave in, even if I was crying. He even threatened to leave me in the middle of nowhere. Each night we went out, I used to dread getting into the car at the end of the evening, my stomach immediately knotted with apprehension. I knew what was coming I knew what was expected of me. He told me it was ‘payment’ for taking me out. Payment, he told me, he had the right to expect.
Pandora’s Chest
He assaulted, you consistently abused,
He was a stranger,
But with you there should have been no danger
He stole innocence,
But you stole dignity
He violated once and then was gone
But you exerted power that went on and on
Over a vulnerable young girl
Causing a nightmare of body and soul
Yet again someone else had control
Of her life, of her being
And once again, no one was seeing
What was happening, day by day
As her self worth and respect we’re eroded away.
In the beginning you were just always so pleasant,
With your face set in a smile
Whilst underneath your intentions were vile
Intentions that unfurled towards the end of the night
When you’d drive to a place, tucked out of sight
And there you’d demand all manner of deed
And of her pleading
You’d take no heed
Always it ended with her in tears
As once again her very worst fears
were realised along with an accompanying threat
And again she wondered, how bad could it get?
It was simple:
You needed to dominate
Demanding your payment following each date
Have her carry out acts, perverted and wrong
But she was vulnerable and just went along
As her life took a new shape:
Once again in an unhappy home
And abused every time she was alone
With someone who’s need was to have control.
You took a life that had strived to be whole
And dashed it to pieces bit by bit
She knew she should escape from it,
But human need of another’s attention
Kept her trapped in this diabolical position
Until the day she was suddenly free
She’d brought it about, so unwittingly,
Because the day you knew you’d lost control
That you could no longer own her, body and soul
You dropped her, suddenly in a manner so cruel
And she gained her life back from under your rule
But now she was left damaged and broken
All dignity and self worth, you had taken
And so she did what she had learned to do best
Locked it away in Pandora’s chest.
